Easter, Joy and Grief

 

This past Sunday was Easter Sunday. We attended church for the first time since we got to Taiwan. And of course, we had to fill up our tummies with yummy Taiwanese breakfast before receiving spiritual food. This (below) is a local’s favorite, as well as my parents’ favorite Taiwanese breakfast spot.

Next Stop: Special Music Easter Church Service!

A convention center full of maybe 500 people, at least 30 ushers, a choir consisting of ~60 singers, a live orchestra, and lots of children with their worship packets accompanying their parents all coming together to worship the living God!

“讓我們來慶賀！無比大愛，我們來慶賀， 神兒子因愛我們，捨了生命。 讓我們來歡呼！主賜喜樂無人能相比， 我們歡然向你獻祭，高聲歡呼讚美…” (Translation: Come, let us celebrate! His gift of love, we have come to celebrate, The Son of God who loves us, gave his life. Let us come and celebrate! The Lord gives joy, no one else can compare, we joyfully bring our offering, our song and praise.)

As the music played and the people of God were singing, I strangely found myself tearing up, I thought to myself, 

Crap, why is this happening to me right now?... I don’t want to cry right now everyone is happy and celebrating, everyone will see me. What’s wrong with me?

Isn’t this supposed to be a glorious and happy Easter morning? He is risen! He is victorious! What am I doing? Why can’t I control the tears from falling down my face?

It's Easter but I don’t feel particularly celebratory. I suppose grief can hit you anywhere anytime, even when it’s “supposed to be” a time of celebration.

I don’t think I’ve cried so hard since I left North Carolina, I almost had to step outside because I couldn’t stop sobbing. But luckily the music was loud enough to cover my loud sniffling.

Just the night before, I laid awake in bed missing my kids (not hooman kids lol, I’m talking about my fur babies) so terribly. As I scrolled through my photos app looking for their pics, I also saw all the bittersweet goodbyes before we left. Suddenly, more and more memories came flooding in, compounding as they rushed in,

“Surpriseee!!!” Our dear friends yelled ecstatically, standing under a “WE WILL MISS YOU” banner, as we walked into our last fellowship gathering in NC.

“Have fun in Taiwan, don’t stay too long or no one will remember you!” in a hand-written card from one of my Sunday school kids, “You are a great teacher!”

“I can’t believe you’re leaving just when we’re getting to know each other more..” exclaimed the new friends we met just a few months ago. “I can't believe it either...” I thought to myself.

“I remember when you first started children’s ministry…” “Remember he (the child) was so shy and wouldn’t even say one word, and now look at him!” Parents began to share stories of their kids I was honored to water the past three years...

Flashes of memories flooded over me, of myself reading the homemade booklet filled with messages of goodbyes, thank-yous, and encouragements barely able to hold back tears on the plane, watching videos made by our church family with funny stories and the ways God touched them through us, a fun double date over Neapolitan pizza at Cugino Forno, sharing stories and testimonies over spicy hotpot fish, being prayed over and sent off with a thoughtfully planned liturgy, sharing laughter and tears over special meals of lamb and wine, a homemade Korean feast, a lavish ice cream bar, Sashimi and durian crepe cakes, having deep and meaningful conversations over coffee, babies and a German shepherd, strenuous but beautiful hiking in Hawaii and an entourage goodbye at the Honolulu airport…and many, many more…

And I remembered. So many milestones we’ve been through together the past 10+ years, highs and lows.

My heart swells with joy. I didn’t know joy could go so deep, I didn’t know I could love and be loved so much. 

My heart is also overwhelmed with grief. I didn’t know it could hurt so much.

I miss my people terribly. I feel torn between spending time with my family in Taiwan, especially my aging parents, and spending time with my family in North Carolina. I love both so so much, yet I can only be in one place at a time. Life is short, we never know how much time we have left with one another.

I felt down for many days this week, I felt helpless that I cannot spend enough time with all the people I love, I grieve that my parents are growing old and one day my loved ones will pass away… you see, it’s easy to spiral downward in these spells of depression.

“Lord my God, I called to you for help,

    and you healed me.

You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;

    you spared me from going down to the pit.” 

-Psalm 30:1-2

It seems that God always gives me exactly what I need at the right time, the right words, scripture, novels, friends to help me know that my Abba is with me, and to lift me out of the pit.

I’ve been reading a novel called Migrations by Charlotte McConaghy. She writes, 

“We are, all of us, given such a brief moment of time together, it hardly seems fair. But it’s precious, and maybe it’s enough…”

One can think life is too short, it’s not enough. Or...

One can think life is too short, maybe it’s enough, if I live fully, if I cherish and embrace every moment...

Yes, we are celebrating Easter this week AND the world is still broken, this world is still not yet right. There are heartaches, a lot of them, endless worries and losses. Easter is not a fairy tale that intends to sweep our problems or sorrows under the rug, it does not require of us to feel only rainbows and butterflies, only joy and celebration. Rather, the true hope of Easter can come along with real suffering, deep joy along with deep grief, because, 

Easter is a promise that there is a Power, a Love, that is greater than anything else in this world, One that cannot be quenched by sin or death or distance (Romans 8:38-39). So even as I sit in grief on Easter Sunday, 8121 miles away from NC and knowing I will face the loss of my loved ones, my heart is filled with joy and with hope. 

Love is enough, even if it's for a brief moment, so I will keep on living fully, keep living in faith over fear, cherishing and embracing each moment, receiving and giving love into eternity.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33