"Come to me, All who are weary"

 Yesterday marks a month since Jeff and I arrived in Taiwan.😁

We are finally beginning to find some sort of rhythm living here. Though there is still a lot of adjusting to do, I celebrate the progress and growth thus far. We are starting to get our own groceries, we’re learning more places to get local goods, getting more and more familiar with the public transportation (including light rails, MRT, buses, and bike rentals!), learning to navigate efficiently in the little kitchen of my parents’ apartment, getting down a workout routine, visiting some churches, meeting new faces, building new and old relationships. A friend pointed out that perhaps this was how my parents felt when they first immigrated to the U.S., relearning everything they once knew as grown adults.

Believe it or not, Jeff and I have not made much time to just have fun and enjoy the city together. In the past when we visited TW, all we did was shop and stuff our faces nonstop😂. But this time, since we’ve arrived, we’ve just been running a lot of errands and focusing on family, and when we are not doing those things, our minds are mentally drained and preoccupied with newness and grief, leaving no space for anything else.

But this past weekend was different. Jeff and I took a day to just be in each other’s presence, out of the apartment. We biked through Tamsui city, passing urban farms as the wind breathed upon our faces; we visited a park where a street performer played sax and another sang by the river under the willow trees; we shared our fears, hopes and accomplishments over a taro latte and passion fruit honey oolong tea at a waterfront café; we ended our night pigging out at the local night market, sharing 胡椒餅(pepper pan fried bun), lightly battered fresh squid, fried egg scallion pancake, soy milk dessert, sweet potato buns, and other yummy goodies!😋

This day reminded me again what a gift life is, and how often I forget.

Urban Farms in Tamsui City

Biking through the city

 

I have the tendency to do too much, my mind is wired for productivity. If/when left unchecked, I just keep going and keep planning. 

Maybe it’s the second generation Chinese American in me, the strong sense of responsibility in me. Maybe it’s growing up helping my mom translate mail, paperwork, at supermarkets, on the road, maybe it's being my sister's "mom" helping her with high school and applying for college and financial aid after stumbling my way through my own. Maybe it’s being the firstborn in the family, and feeling the  need to be a good role model.

Maybe it’s my dad’s instructions to take care of my mom when he was always away in a different country earning us a living. Maybe it’s the Chinese work-hard ethic in me. Maybe it’s the minority myth that Asians are "supposed to be" smarter and be more successful than most people. Maybe it’s my pride, whether it is feeling the need to prove something out of insecurity, or a desire to seek affirmation and to "feel important". Maybe it’s the Type-A in me, or maybe it’s idolizing security and control that makes me feel that I cannot stop until everything is perfect.

I don’t know why I tend to carry so many burdens, expectations and responsibilities, sometimes unnecessary, but God is teaching me that this is not the life God intended for me, or for anyone. 

It can be exhausting living in this world. The feeling that it’s all up to me, the fear that a relationship can break any moment after one mistake, feeling that I need to keep going and make no mistakes if I want to survive and live well, so many fears that keep us guarded and joyless.

 

This day of rest, peace and rejuvenation reminded me one of the reasons we came to Taiwan - to experientially learn that Jesus has set me free from a life of burden. He said,

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30

Deciding to come to Taiwan was a huge decision for me, because it meant letting go of many burdens I held onto so tightly for so long. 

It meant letting go of the home church which nourished me, and I’ve also poured into. It meant letting go of the girls I’ve mentored for many years trusting they don’t need me to grow healthily. It meant letting go of the feeling the need to “fix” the problems at church. It meant trusting that God will provide for the children’s ministry, for the fellowships Jeff and I have been leading, and trusting that all the relationships in our lives will remain (though it will look different) even when we move away.

It meant letting go of so many burdens I carried on my own for so long, the responsibilities, duties, expectations (I placed on myself and by others), and letting go of the guilt I may be feeling for leaving and for breaking my commitments to my NC home.

Letting go does not mean I no longer care nor does it mean giving up, but letting go means choosing to take a step towards letting God take control of my life. It means surrendering, trusting God with my future and the future of the people I care about deeply.

My move was a declaration to myself that I am not God, I am not the savior, Christ is, and He is much more mighty and caring than me. I've heard someone once say: Christianity is the only religion where we don't have to work our way to God, God has done the work, and I am freed to live in light of and in relationship with a mighty and loving God who accepts and loves me completely before I do anything. This is the God I surrender to. I’ve been trying to do it by myself for far too long.

I trust that in this season of radical surrendering, I will learn more and more what life trusting in Jesus looks like.

Side note: I recognize it is a huge privilege to be able to take the time to do what I am doing and I am not saying everyone should leave their work or responsibilities. I pray and hope that wherever and whatever you're doing, you can find the joys in life and develop the eyes to see life as a gift in many ways :)